If TRP ratings are anything to go by, yes, it’s official. For the first time in Indian sporting history, cricket has been sidelined by football. Italy’s exit from the football world cup made bigger news than India winning the Asia Cup. Sensing the growing enthusiasm among the people, political parties wasted no time pouncing on the opportunity. Our correspondent Shilpa Garg caught up with B.J.P. spokesperson Rajiv Pratap Rudy, who was not looking very cheerful.
Shilpa: “Sir, the football fever seems to be touching the sky throughout the country, which team are you supporting?”
Mr Rudy: Well, I was supporting the French team. But, as you know they have been eliminated from the world cup. We are not going to sit quietly, we need answers, the government needs to answer why wasn’t any action taken to resolve the issues that the French team had with their coach? This is absolutely inexcusable. Do you realise the amount of money people have lost because of their pathetic performance?
Shilpa: But, what has the Indian government….
Mr Rudy: (Cuts her short) No, we will not take this sitting down. We have decided to move a no confidence motion against the government. We will leave no stone unturned in bringing this government down.
Shilpa: But sir…
Mr Rudy: (Cuts her short again) Please, I have to go now; there is a match between Brazil and Portugal tonight. I have a bet with Arun Jaitley on this match.
Shilpa: But sir, betting is illegal!
Mr Rudy: No, no , it’s not for the money. Based on who wins the bet today the high command will decide who gets the Rajya Sabha ticket.
After this rather absurd accusation, our correspondent, Kshitij Khurana caught up with Manish
Tiwari, the congress spokesperson.
Kshitij: Sir, what do you have to say in response to the accusations made by Mr Rajiv Pratap Rudy?
Mr Tiwari: This is an absolutely baseless and an outrageous accusation. Even I had put money on Italy, but am I complaining? And who are they to question us? What have they done to make sure France and Italy do well in the 2010 world cup? Having said that, the ministry of external affairs is looking into the matter and we are putting all the pressure we can to make sure this kind of a performance doesn’t get repeated in the next world cup. Madam Sonia Gandhi has herself lost a lot of money and is now taking personal interest into the matter.
Kshitij: How are all of you even betting on football? Don’t you guys know, betting is illegal?
Mr Tiwari: Oh is it? I thought only betting in cricket was illegal. Please cut out the betting part and keep the rest as it is.
Now that the two national parties had spoken up, how could the communists be ‘left’ far behind. Our correspondentHitesh Rawat travelled to Kolkata, one of the most football crazy cities in the country. Outside the state assembly, he caught up with the Chief Minister of Bengal, Mr. Buddhadeb Bhattacharya.
Hitesh: Sir, Kolkata must be on cloud 9 right now. As a Kolkatan, please describe to us what the mood is like out here.
Mr. Buddhadeb Bhattacharya: Oh yes, it’s a time for celebration for Kolkata right now. Especially after the recent unfortunate incidents in the state orchestrated by Mamata Banerjee and her goons, this event is definitely a welcome relief for us.
Hearing these words, Mamata Banerjee storms in and starts shouting, “What do you mean, unfortunate incidents orchestrated by me! The only unfortunate incident that has taken place was when you were elected as the chief minister and the CPI (M) formed the governments. Today Bengal comes second in the TRP ratings in the world cup viewership. Had we been in power we would have made sure Kolkata comes in first here too!”
Mr Bhattacharya responded by saying, “Huh! You are forgetting that first is Kerala, which is also a CPI (M) ruled state. People who are not in power should learn to keep their mouths shut and respect the people who are doing a good job!”
Both of them turn their faces away and walk in different directions and Hitesh is ‘left’ still recovering from the shock. Meanwhile Vinita, our Bihar correspondent caught up with Lalu Prasad Yadav.
Vinita: Mr Lalu, why do you think the Indian football team is still so low in the rankings and who do you blame for this?
Lalu: Aree you see, we not lack in err… talent. We have laats of talent here in hamra Bihar. But they are not able to come up because of the daaminance of states like Bengal and Goa. We demand reservation for Biharies in the football team. Then see how well the team paarforms!
Vinita: Really? Bihar has a lot of talent? I am a little confused here, could you please explain a little further?
Lalu: What you talking about? There is no one better than our government officers when it comes to passing the files err I mean passing the ball here and there. We apply the same principle when we play football. The ball will keep passing from one player to other. So what if we don’t make any goals, we will not let the other team make a goal too!
Before Vinita could ask the next question she burst out laughing and Lalu had her thrown out of the house. After the rather unpleasant time In Bihar, we asked Vinita to go to Hyderabad and interview K Chandrashekhar Rao but she said she had had enough so we sent our correspondent Smitha to speak to Mr. Rao.
Smitha: The World cup fever seems to be spreading to all parts of the country but Andhra Pradesh seems to be lagging behind in the TRP ratings. What could be the reason behind this?
Mr. Rao: Firstly madam let me make it clear, I can only speak for Telangana not Andhra. This is a very wrong perception that we are not interested in football just because the TRP ratings are low. The TRP ratings are low because of the constant power cuts in the Telangana region. This is a conspiracy by the Andhra government to suppress the people of Telangana and malign them.
Smitha: So what do you intend to do about this?
Mr. Rao: Starting tomorrow we are going on a football protest march all around the Telangana Region to assert our right to have uninterrupted power at least during the football match. If our demands are not met, we shall go on a fast unto death strike. They will have to agree to our demands!
We also have unconfirmed reports from our correspondent Parth Dave reporting from Utter Pradesh that last night Mayavati convened an emergency meeting of the Bahujan Samajwadi Paty and decided to change their party symbol to football. In response to this Mulayam Singh Yadav’s Samajvadi Party has decided to change the party symbol to a picture of Christiano Ronaldo kicking the football and for this they will be signing a 1 million dollar deal with the star footballer.
So as you can see it’s a cheerful mood all over the country, not just among the aam aadmi but also the political leadership.
That it’s from Sensible Bakwas!
P.S. This news bulletin brought to you by the Wordsworth Legions team whose team members can be found below:
Filed under: humour